A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice, herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately pulls a doggie biscuit out of his pocket and offers it to the dog.
A businessman watches this from across the street. “Excuse me, sir,” he calls to the blind man, “are you aware that your dog has just pissed all down the leg of your pants?”
“Yes,” replies the blind man. “A dreadful habit, which I’m trying to break him of.”
“Well, it’s none of my business,” says the onlooker, “but you’re not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!”
The blind fellow chuckles, and says, “I’m not rewarding him. I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his butt!”
Uncle Sam and Osama decided to settle the whole war with a dogfight. They would each have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog and whoever’s dog won would dominate the world.
Osama found the meanest Doberman females in the world and bred them with the meanest wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog ever.
When the day came for the big dogfight, Uncle Sam showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama’s dog.
Osama’s dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dog–but when it got close to the American dog, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and ate Osama’s dog whole!
Osama replied, “We don’t understand how this could have happened, we had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest dogs and the meanest wolves!”
Uncle Sam said, “That’s nothing, we had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog.”
Mr. Jones had a few days’ holiday, so he said, “I’m going to go to the mountains by train.”
He put on his best clothes, took a small bag, went to the station and got on the train. He had a beautiful hat, and he often put his head out of the window during the trip and looked at the mountains. But the wind pulled his hat off. Mr. Jones quickly took his old bag and threw that out of the window too.
The other people in the carriage laughed. “Is your bag going to bring your beautiful hat back” they asked.
“No,” Mr. Jones answered, “but there’s no name and no address in my hat, and there’s a name and address on the bag. Someone’s going to find both of them near each other, and he’s going to send me the bag and the hat.”
短篇英文笑話故事：To The Nines
One day, on 9/9/99, a man woke up at 9:09 a.m. in the morning, jumped on Bus #99 and went to his favorite restaurant on 9th Street. When the cashier rang up his order, it totaled $9.99.
“Oh, wow, this is an omen!” the man said, so he bought a pair of cheap binoculars at the 99￠ store, pulled out 99 cents in fares and took Bus #99 to the Race Track. As he approached Gate No. 9, he said to the ticket agent: “I would like to bet $999.99 on Horse No. 9 in the 9th race.”
“Why those particular numbers?” the ticket agent asked.
“Nine seems to be my lucky number today,” the man said excitedly. “I’m really on a roll!”
Feeling confident, he sat through the first eight races until Race No. 9 came up. Sure enough, he was on a roll.
The horse came in ninth.