精品英語笑話一：Another 40 Years to live
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, “No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.” Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 Years? “God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”
一名中年婦女心臟病突發被送到了醫院， 在手術臺上，瀕臨死亡之際，她看到了上帝， 于是，她問上帝是不是她的日子到頭了。 上帝回答說，“還沒有，你還能活43年，2個月零8天?！?身體快要康復的時候，這名女士想到自己還要活那么多年，得好好對待自己，于是決定先不出院，而是去給自己整整容，吸吸脂，隆隆胸，然后還做了一個腹部拉皮和其它一些美容美體手術。 她甚至還請人到醫院里面幫她頭發給染了。 做完最后一個手術，這位女士出院了， 但就在過馬路的時候，她被一輛風馳電摯趕回醫院的救護車給撞死了。 再一次，她又站到了上帝的面前，她大惑不解地問上帝，“我記得你說我還能再活40年?” 上帝回答，“那個時候我沒認出你來”。
In secondary school, I was always self-conscious about my height.
Once I was asked out by a life-guard. I had never really stood next to him and didn’t know how tall he was, so the night of the date I took out two pairs of shoes-one with heels, one flat. I arranged with my brother to answer the door, compare his height with my date’s and run upstairs to let me know which shoes to wear.
When doorbell rang I waited. Then my brother showed up and told me what I didn’t want to hear: “Go barefoot.”
門鈴響了，我在樓上等著。哥哥跑上樓告訴了我一個不幸的消息：“你可以光著腳去約會?！?br /> 精品英語笑話三：我和老師的故事
Teacher: Tom and John! Why are you late for school today?
Tom: Madam, I lost a one-dollar coin and was searching for it.
Teachear: John, what about you?
John: Madam, I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under my feet.
Two tomatoes go shopping, a tomato suddenly walk fast, the second tomato asks: “where shall we go?” The first tomato has no answer, the second tomato asked again. The tomato has no answer, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato finally turned slowly, said: “we are not tomatoes? We can talk?”
兩顆番茄去逛街，第一顆番茄突然走得很快，第二顆番茄就問：“我們要去哪里?” 第一顆番茄沒有回答，第二顆番茄又問了一次。 第一顆番茄還沒回答，所以第二顆番茄又問了一次。 第一顆番茄終于慢慢轉頭說：“我們不是番茄嗎?我們會說話嗎?”
On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.
As we drove away, our son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”
Our daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”
My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye, Money.”
當我們驅車離開時，兒子揮手說：“再見，美奇?！?br /> 女兒揮著手說，“再見，美妮?！?br /> 丈夫也有氣無力地揮了揮手，說道：“再見，美元?！?br /> 精品英語笑話五：Goldfish 金魚
Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
斯丹：我贏了 92 條金魚。
Fred: Where are you going to keep them?
Stan: In the bathroom.
Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
Stan: Blindfold(蒙眼睛) them!
精品英語笑話六：I am acting like a lady 我要表現得像一位女士
One day women’s dresses were on sale at a department store. A dignified middle-aged man decided to pick a dress for his wife, but soon he found himself being battered by frantic women.
He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowd.
“You there!” challenged a thrilling voice. “Can’t you act like a gentleman?”
“Listen,” he said. “I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady.”