關于中長篇英語笑話：Silent Battle With The Pope
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a “silent” debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and said, “I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay.”
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened.
The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened.
“Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me, ‘You Jews have three days to get out of here.’ So I said to him, ‘Up yours’. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, ‘Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews … we stay right here!”
“And then?” asked a woman.
“Who knows?” said Rabbi Moishe. “We broke for lunch.”
關于中長篇英語笑話：Destroying The World
Noah’s Ark… If it happened today
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark.”
And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark. “Okay,” said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
“Six months, and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You’d better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time.”
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. ….. and there was no Ark.
“Noah,” shouted the Lord, “Where is the Ark?”
“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re- draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
“Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
“Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
“The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
“Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
“Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
“Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
“Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years,” Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
“You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?” Noah asked hopefully.
“No,” said the Lord sadly. “The government already has.”
A successful female executive stood before the Pearly Gates, facing St. Peter himself. “Strange,”mused St. Peter, “we’ve never had an executive make it this far before. I’m not sure what to do with you. While I think it over, I’ll let you experience a day here and a day in Hell.”
So the female exec spent an entire day lounging on clouds, playing the harp, having intelligentcivilized discussions with great philosophers. Her 24 hours passed quickly and she was then transported to Hell where the Devil took her to a beautiful country club where she found many of her old friends, dressed to the nines, drinking, joking, laughing, having a great time. They talked old times, played golf, had steak and lobster, drank Champagne and danced till dawn. Before she knew it, her 24 hours was up and she was back at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, “I’ve considered your placement, and decided I’ll just let you choose where you wish to spend eternity.”
She thought only briefly before she replied. “Well, Heaven was nice, but, no offense, I had a great time in Hell.” And back down she went. But this time she found herself in a desolatewasteland covered with garbage. Her friends were still there, but now they were dressed in rags, picking up garbage and carrying it from one pile to another.
“Wait a minute,” stammered the woman to the Devil, “I don’t understand. Yesterday when I was here, there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and drank Champagne and we danced the night away, having a wonderful time. Now everyone’s slaving away shoveling garbage.”
The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you’re staff!”